The Pixies - Broken Face
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Depeche Mode - Strangelove
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I give in to sin because you have to make this life livable …


Always do what you are afraid to do.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (via hqlines)

Dear Andrew, (rough)

So lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I know NOTHING I say or do will take back or make up for how I treated you. You don’t deserve what I did to you and I am truly sorry and I truly regret some of the things I said, did and wrote. And I feel like I need to get some stuff off my chest if nothing else for my own sanity.
Lately I feel like my writing hasn’t been coming from the same heart. I’m not quite sure what to say or where to start so I’m hoping this comes out alright and I hope I’m not ashamed of it after.
I understand if you feel like I haven’t given enough respect to you or our relationship because it seems like I moved on so fast. But I honestly don’t think I did. I feel like this was a movement in the making since the first time you broke up with me and the second. When I feel I was so open and vulnerable and I felt like you kept taking steps back. I didn’t know how into this you were or what you wanted from me. And after a while being with you just didn’t feel the same anymore. I’m sorry I should have told you hat sooner.

I mean I get nothing I say or do or write will ever make up for anything I’ve done and I’m not doing this for forgiveness because I know I don’t deserve it. I’m doing this for me to get all these thoughts out and maybe if you read it you won’t feel like such a saint. Yes I AM THE BAD GUY, I cheated on you. But just because I committed a worse offense doesn’t mean you didn’t do mean things either or make me feel shitty either. I felt plenty shitty for a long time and I tried talking about it with you on several occasions, I wrote about it on my tumblr, I was pretty obvious. And maybe you didn’t seem to care about that as much as you cared reading my blog post break up to find out I had moved on in the bedroom. Granted most of the stuff I wrote was/is pretty vulgar, not really poetic at all, and maybe seems like bragging. i’m not super pleased with myself either, but oh well. You live and you learn. AND you have to accept your flaws and learn to forgive yourself because if you don’t, living in peace is just not possible. 

"Sometimes I fight with my demons, and sometimes we cuddle"

Honestly, do you have any idea how lonely I felt for like this whole half a year we were together during 2014. Do you know how isolated I felt from the one person who was supposed to make me feel happier than ever. I misunderstood you helping me financially for love. Yes, you on occasion told me beautiful words that I will always treasure, even during those months of depression but if I’m being honest, it felt like we were over around February. Valentines day felt so forced and so fake and like such a struggle. I felt like you didn’t want to be there with me, like you were mad at me etc. You always wanted to go above and beyond for me in terns of how much you spent or feeling like you had to show off certain things that only have $$ value. All I wanted was your time and affection. I hated feeling like I was coming to Vallejo to just get fucked and fed…. at your parents house. I felt like our relationship should have been maturing at a certain rate that it wasn’t. I don’t feel bad for feeling said way because I was very open about it since we started and had always made myself very clear. I don’t feel bad at all! You had some opportunities to come out here too. 

Also, I mean it just felt like you were so afraid to take chances. On simple things to complicated things. You live in such a sheltered world that would stress me out and make me feel afraid to take chances on certain things as well. I felt this claustrophobia in your room towards the last couple months of our relationship that I didn’t understand and made me so confused. 

We had gotten to the point where we were’t talking through texts, phone, or any other way really. We were doing the same thing all the time. You had stopped telling me you love me and you missed me. It wasn’t till you stopped receiving messages from me / responses to your sometimes Good Morning or have a good day texts I got semi almost every day that you started showing a little more affection through text, but even then…it was too late.I was super busy, you were super busy. Whether or not we wanted/want to admit it, by then we had already moved on. BOTH OF US. It just wasn’t the same anymore and you know it’s true. If you don’t admit it, then Wow. 

As far as where I am with the person I am seeing currently, that’s none of your business. I am confused and filled with butterflies all at the same time. But I am less afraid of taking chances and whether that is related to him or not, I love the adrenaline and doing new things and exploring and feeling the fresh air in my face that allows me feel ALIVE.

Yes, from time to time I still check your shit, and in all honestly it hurts me so much knowing I fucked up a friendship with you. I hope and pray that one day we will be ok and you will find it in you to forgive me and want to be my friend but I know more than well enough to know that’s just a fantasy. I’d lie if I said i didn’t think about being with you one more time. It doesn’t happen anymore, but it used to be a frequent thing. I just feel like we had an expiration date from the beginning and I was in denial and trying to prove to myself we didn’t. Truth is, I had been feeling shitty for a while now. 

I know you did a lot for me but we had different wants and needs and I accept that I would never be able to make you happy and give you the things you deserve and I hope you find that from the bottom of my heart. I never lied when I told you I love you. That was always the truth and I always meant it. I just knew I wasn’t enough even if you didn’t. I just hope that regardless of all the pain I’ve cause you still somewhere deep down in your heart know that I did care and still hope and wish for the best for you. I am sorry. but I also hope you know that there are two sides to every story. I will always be the “bad guy” in ours but I was not the only who hurt someone in this story. I hope you remember that too. 



Feliz día de la Independencia de México (2012) | ¡Viva México!